When my husband and I were trying for a baby…way back in 2007…it took us two long years to conceive our daughter. Two long years marked by two miscarriages and a lot of heartache.
When we got pregnant with DD – and it became apparent that yes, this baby is healthy and will be born – it created a huge shift in my level of happiness.
Looking back, I know that in those two years of trying for a baby I was deeply depressed. It’s hard to find happiness when you want something so badly, and yet it remains out of reach.
It is for those reasons that when DD was conceived, I didn’t shout to the rooftops I was pregnant…miscarriages teach you that at any time, happiness can be wrenched from you.
I also didn’t like talking about our struggle. The pain of our loss and the monthly disappointment felt too private to share, even at times with close friends and family.
But…life goes on. And lucky for us, we are proud parents of a smart, loving little girl.
After DD was born – heck, even while I was pregnant with her – people would ask if we planned to have another child. I would always respond carefully. Usually with a, “We’ll see. We’d like too, but right now we’re just so happy to have this child.”
It was a hard road getting to DD’s birth, and I had a feeling the fourth time around would be just as hard as the first three.
I wasn’t wrong.
We’ve been trying to conceive another child for well over a year now. Several fertility tests later, we’ve been diagnosed with ‘secondary infertility‘ – a catchy phrase that means you are unable to conceive or carry a baby to term, after giving birth to at least one child.
I had the opportunity to share our struggle with secondary infertility in the January issue of Today’s Parent. Why did I share our struggle so publicly?
This time, I don’t feel I have to keep the struggle private. While extremely disappointing, this news doesn’t leave me feeling destroyed. When I think about it, the difference is that I already have a child. I feel so blessed to be a parent.
Perhaps if we were still childless my perspective would be different. Then again, maybe not. People grow. Experiences change them. Maybe I would have eventually become more vocal about our struggles with infertility. I can’t know for sure. I can’t live in hypotheticals.
The truth is, it is highly unlikely DH and I will conceive another child without fertility treatment. And even then, our chances are pretty low. All I know is I am not ashamed by this struggle. Nor am I too filled with sorrow to discuss it.
We’re doing okay, the three of us. If another little Gallant comes along – wonderful. If not…well…we’ll be okay.
More than okay.